And I’ll say I no longer feel I have to be James Dean
And she’ll say
Yah well I feel all pretty happy too
And I’m always pretty happy when I’m just kicking back with you - 5 years Time, Noah and the Whale
Today is so fabulous. I don't know why. I don't know if it is the sun or the warmth. It is 63 here today. Maybe it is the fabulous array of great vegetables and milk I had yesterday (instead of the garbage food).
I slept in a little today, as I usually do on Tuesdays. My feet are not hurting as badly today!
I'm wearing a new sweater jacket thingie. It is tan with navy stripes.
But the best part of my day has to be this:
I was sitting at work today doing shipping for State farm or something. When my phone beeps the "you have a text" beep. I figured it was my mom or something, so I just ignored the text until I got a free moment. Then when I looked at the text it read "Problem" from Devin Gray. (writing that is hilarious because anything from Devin Gray is a problem).
So I replied, "?" and he said that he is dating someone that he is "crazy about" (I'm sure that is also accurate, albeit, not in the way he intended it). So I prodded him and told him to get to the point of the text...and he responded--four days before my best friends wedding to which he was supposed to accompany me-- that he couldn't be my date. At first, I was filled with a gut full of anxiety and anger. Then I took a deep breathe, and literally laughed out loud to myself.
Knowing Devin, I had already anticipated him being a complete flake, and I decided about a week ago to just go to the wedding with the best man as my date. I had everything completely arranged with Jim. I decided not to tell Devin about this change for two reasons:
1) I wanted to make sure everything with Jim worked out still before telling my date that I didn't want him to come.
2) I started to remember all the shady things Devin did in our relationship and the times he flaked. I also was 90% sure he would flake again, so I decided it best to keep the new date situation from him as long as possible.
So, I laughed because I was completely right. I told Devin about my little situation change. I explained to him that I had planned on going to the wedding with Jim for about a week now, and I was just waiting for a good time to tell Devin. He proceeded to then get furiously angry with me. He called me a bitch and said that I'm a horribly negative person to be around--to which I could only respond with more laughter. The guy who was ditching me 4 days before a wedding has the nerve to be mad at me because I did the same thing he did. HILARIOUS!
So basically this made my day. It made me remember that I promised myself and someone special to me a long time ago to never settle. Everything has worked out perfectly! It has helped put me in the best mood today.
This purging of people who don't matter thing has really helped me.
I'm still trying to figure out if I like the law school thing for me or not. In the mean time I'm making sure to keep studying for it.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough- Wreck of the Day by Anna Nalick
Feel free to skip to the middle of this blog because the first part is a reiteration of whining, and the end is a new beginning.
This weekend was supposed to be a productive one, but I'm just in this very strange place right now. My best friend on this earth is getting married in less than 6 days. My other really good friend Juliana is coming home from Spain just to get married. I just feel like I'm repeating myself again when I say I see no "the ones" in my real life. I know there are people in my life who are really special, but I don't know what is going to happen with them or my future.
I feel as if I'm on the big toilet bowl slide at a water park with a blindfold on, and I'm just waiting, on edge (literally and figuratively) for the bottom to drop from beneath me. I am also weary about whether or not I'll have time to catch my breathe before drowning. Very dramatic, I know, but it is how I feel. Nothing in my life is tied down, and I'm yearning so much for one component of this thing known as a "real-life" to be locked down.
Caitlin's blog made me laugh out loud (lol4realz) because she said she feels like its time to "get livin' or get dyin'" and that is exactly how I feel. I also feel like I can't stop whining about the same exact things--my stepdad is an assface; I am sick of living in this po-dunk boring ass town, I am sick of all my friends living so far away and having no one around me who understands me.
I have "big thangs poppin'" in my life right now, and I really don't have the time to devote myself to a relationship, but I feel so alone. All summer, I felt like I had friends here, and that my life was solid--but really it was just one drunken mess after another. I am not proud of who I was, nor the lifestyle I was living, but it was just a place to hide from all that I fear. It was me falling completely head over heels for someone with whom I safely knew things would never work out. It protected me from exactly where I am now, floating in the abyss of the unknown. But I will not allow myself to grasp the first solid thing that comes my way just to escape this fear. I will continue bravely in the pursuit of having everything I've ever wanted. I will not settle because I promised myself I wouldn't. I cannot allow mediocrity when I'm only footsteps from greatness. The reward for this patience will be happiness beyond measure instead of a temporary 'fix.'
So I inhale, and face the day--alone in the moment-- I am freeing myself from the things that have for so long held me back. I did a cleansing today. I feel like I was never real. From this moment on, I will be true to myself instead of putting on some show in order for others to like me. I took 500 people off my facebook list, got rid of my twitter and am focusing on what's important to me.
Each day I will require myself to write down one thing that I have learned about myself. I will also require myself to truly analyze one thing each day as to why I do it.
I will start with blogging and the internet.
Today I learned that I don't need people in my life besides the ones who bring something good to it for me.
I also really enjoy blogging--it feels freeing. I shall do this more often, even if it takes away from other things, but now that I don't have twitter it should make things much better.
On a note for improvement, I realized I do and say a lot of things seeking approval of the general public at large--or those on twitter or facebook. It has been more important to me that people think I'm cool, pretty, or smart moreso than KNOWING on my own two (broken) feet that I am cool, pretty and smart--because I am those things TO ME, and I cannot be those things for all people. I am not as smart as my WRW, and to be perfectly honest, I am scared of him thinking I am dumb. Until today, I was worried about what the "cool" kids in college or high school thought about me now. I wanted all the douchebag guys to think I was hot.
What I know about all of that is, If WRW doesn't think I am smart enough or good enough for him, then that is not something I can control. Also, this notion of what could potentially be in the future in the land of somedays, can only come true if it is meant to--and part of "letting to and letting god" is to stop trying to affect the outcome of this. Let it roll, breathe, and it will come if it is supposed to.
I didn't hang out with the cool kids in college or high school. I am one of the incredibly moronic people who believed that being surrounded by stereotypically "pretty" people made me more or less pretty. I really don't know why I let these people mean anything in my life because the more I see the direction their lives are going, the more I realize that is not what I want to have end up with my life. I am also sick and tired of seeing all the newly engaged couples, and letting their relationship status make me insecure about my lack thereof. Who the hell cares if Joe Bob and Billie Sue are getting married, or having a baby. Be happy for those people in my REALLY in my life experiencing these next steps, but no need to add the pressure of everyone I've ever known in that equation. This pretty much goes with the whole douchebag statement. Most of the guys who I have thought were really hot, are complete and total idiots. I don't need approval from them, because to be a complete bitch about it, most of them do not have mine.
Now I really need to figure out, why I am applying to law school. I want to make sure it is because it is something I want to do, not because I think it is something that people will think better of me if I do. Do I love it, I don't know--at times I really do. But to be honest, what I love more, is when the teacher calls on me and I give the correct response--as if this sort of validates my existence. That is my project for the next 2 weeks.
Sorry for the long post. I am just working through things. I don't know if anyone even reads this, but I hope people do. In the end though, I write this for me.
Feel free to skip to the middle of this blog because the first part is a reiteration of whining, and the end is a new beginning.
This weekend was supposed to be a productive one, but I'm just in this very strange place right now. My best friend on this earth is getting married in less than 6 days. My other really good friend Juliana is coming home from Spain just to get married. I just feel like I'm repeating myself again when I say I see no "the ones" in my real life. I know there are people in my life who are really special, but I don't know what is going to happen with them or my future.
I feel as if I'm on the big toilet bowl slide at a water park with a blindfold on, and I'm just waiting, on edge (literally and figuratively) for the bottom to drop from beneath me. I am also weary about whether or not I'll have time to catch my breathe before drowning. Very dramatic, I know, but it is how I feel. Nothing in my life is tied down, and I'm yearning so much for one component of this thing known as a "real-life" to be locked down.
Caitlin's blog made me laugh out loud (lol4realz) because she said she feels like its time to "get livin' or get dyin'" and that is exactly how I feel. I also feel like I can't stop whining about the same exact things--my stepdad is an assface; I am sick of living in this po-dunk boring ass town, I am sick of all my friends living so far away and having no one around me who understands me.
I have "big thangs poppin'" in my life right now, and I really don't have the time to devote myself to a relationship, but I feel so alone. All summer, I felt like I had friends here, and that my life was solid--but really it was just one drunken mess after another. I am not proud of who I was, nor the lifestyle I was living, but it was just a place to hide from all that I fear. It was me falling completely head over heels for someone with whom I safely knew things would never work out. It protected me from exactly where I am now, floating in the abyss of the unknown. But I will not allow myself to grasp the first solid thing that comes my way just to escape this fear. I will continue bravely in the pursuit of having everything I've ever wanted. I will not settle because I promised myself I wouldn't. I cannot allow mediocrity when I'm only footsteps from greatness. The reward for this patience will be happiness beyond measure instead of a temporary 'fix.'
So I inhale, and face the day--alone in the moment-- I am freeing myself from the things that have for so long held me back. I did a cleansing today. I feel like I was never real. From this moment on, I will be true to myself instead of putting on some show in order for others to like me. I took 500 people off my facebook list, got rid of my twitter and am focusing on what's important to me.
Each day I will require myself to write down one thing that I have learned about myself. I will also require myself to truly analyze one thing each day as to why I do it.
I will start with blogging and the internet.
Today I learned that I don't need people in my life besides the ones who bring something good to it for me.
I also really enjoy blogging--it feels freeing. I shall do this more often, even if it takes away from other things, but now that I don't have twitter it should make things much better.
On a note for improvement, I realized I do and say a lot of things seeking approval of the general public at large--or those on twitter or facebook. It has been more important to me that people think I'm cool, pretty, or smart moreso than KNOWING on my own two (broken) feet that I am cool, pretty and smart--because I am those things TO ME, and I cannot be those things for all people. I am not as smart as my WRW, and to be perfectly honest, I am scared of him thinking I am dumb. Until today, I was worried about what the "cool" kids in college or high school thought about me now. I wanted all the douchebag guys to think I was hot.
What I know about all of that is, If WRW doesn't think I am smart enough or good enough for him, then that is not something I can control. Also, this notion of what could potentially be in the future in the land of somedays, can only come true if it is meant to--and part of "letting to and letting god" is to stop trying to affect the outcome of this. Let it roll, breathe, and it will come if it is supposed to.
I didn't hang out with the cool kids in college or high school. I am one of the incredibly moronic people who believed that being surrounded by stereotypically "pretty" people made me more or less pretty. I really don't know why I let these people mean anything in my life because the more I see the direction their lives are going, the more I realize that is not what I want to have end up with my life. I am also sick and tired of seeing all the newly engaged couples, and letting their relationship status make me insecure about my lack thereof. Who the hell cares if Joe Bob and Billie Sue are getting married, or having a baby. Be happy for those people in my REALLY in my life experiencing these next steps, but no need to add the pressure of everyone I've ever known in that equation. This pretty much goes with the whole douchebag statement. Most of the guys who I have thought were really hot, are complete and total idiots. I don't need approval from them, because to be a complete bitch about it, most of them do not have mine.
Now I really need to figure out, why I am applying to law school. I want to make sure it is because it is something I want to do, not because I think it is something that people will think better of me if I do. Do I love it, I don't know--at times I really do. But to be honest, what I love more, is when the teacher calls on me and I give the correct response--as if this sort of validates my existence. That is my project for the next 2 weeks.
Sorry for the long post. I am just working through things. I don't know if anyone even reads this, but I hope people do. In the end though, I write this for me.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Plug it in and change the world
You are my Electric Girl- MGMT: Electric Feel
So I got to talk to my Juliana today. She only has 100km to go, and she said she has been thinking about me a lot during her camino because she knows how much I worry and stress about everything. So my new motto for her, and for me is to "Let go, and Let God."
This past year has taken me for a ride, that is for sure---it has been a grand adventure. What I am only now beginning to realize is the adventure comes from more than just gallivanting about the planet seeing all its wonders. The adventure has come from deep within me.
I have both questioned my faith, abandoned it completely and regained it all in a way that feels pure. I feel like I have been running so hard against hate, that I have become a hater. On April 24th, 2008 I promised to greet each day with an open-mind and in my naivety I thought that meant I had to abandon God because the followers of God are so close-minded. Then I realized, I had closed my mind to those who choose to believe. Whenever someone brought up God around me, I became extremely uncomfortable, but I now realize I can reconnect with God in a personal way without becoming judgmental.
If I take time to examine all the events in my life up to this point, I can only realize there is a very distinct path that I, in any given moment of that past could not contemplate the greatness that awaited me in my future.
I try to control things because I am so fearful of letting myself get swept away by anything. I think if I allow myself to get swept away in the peace of God, in love, or in life in general--if I don't control every detail, and analyze them all to death, that I will be severely disappointed or worse--severely hurt. What I should know by now is, no matter how much I try to control things, does NOT have any affect on its outcome. So I've come back to the idea of "Let Go and Let God." That does not mean, I will not prepare for things--but I have to realize that is all I can do.
As those of you who know me might realize, I am referring to the LSAT and law school admissions.
I spent every waking moment thinking about it--no, OBSESSING about it. It controls my life, but there comes a point where obsessing about it does not do anything but deter me from the ability to PREPARE for it, and leave the rest in God's hands.
Another thing I've realized in all of this is that, I am done trying to prove things to other people or to myself, and quit TRYING so hard to be, and just be. I spend my whole life worrying about what others will think of where I decide to live, or where I'll end up for law school--and I just need to live for me. I am ok just as I am. This all stems from realizing I love my life here even in its simplicity. Don't get me wrong, my happiness comes from globe trotting and the feel of running my hand along ancient buildings, and digging my toes in to the sand of the ocean--but I am content with staying in Illinois to live. I don't have to challenge myself with relocation, if I challenge myself with my profession. I love my mom, and quite frankly, I do not want to be 17 hours away from her. I can admit now, that I want to move to Boston to get lost and run away from myself again--but I'm ok with who I am here in Illinois and who I want to be. I can't bear the thought of missing Katie and Bill's first baby's birth or missing Juliana and Justin's wedding. My life is here. Chicago is the home I want--with everywhere else being an awesome vacation from that.
This means I will not be applying to schools in Boston because Chicago has my heart, even if I dreamt of a fairy tale once where Boston did. I believe with all my soul that if things are meant to be they will find a way and that one day you wake up with everything you've always wanted. I will not let the fear of the certainty I once held that I would never find a person who embodies everything I want uproot me from everything I already love.
I do miss my CIDEF friends though. I love them very much.
So I got to talk to my Juliana today. She only has 100km to go, and she said she has been thinking about me a lot during her camino because she knows how much I worry and stress about everything. So my new motto for her, and for me is to "Let go, and Let God."
This past year has taken me for a ride, that is for sure---it has been a grand adventure. What I am only now beginning to realize is the adventure comes from more than just gallivanting about the planet seeing all its wonders. The adventure has come from deep within me.
I have both questioned my faith, abandoned it completely and regained it all in a way that feels pure. I feel like I have been running so hard against hate, that I have become a hater. On April 24th, 2008 I promised to greet each day with an open-mind and in my naivety I thought that meant I had to abandon God because the followers of God are so close-minded. Then I realized, I had closed my mind to those who choose to believe. Whenever someone brought up God around me, I became extremely uncomfortable, but I now realize I can reconnect with God in a personal way without becoming judgmental.
If I take time to examine all the events in my life up to this point, I can only realize there is a very distinct path that I, in any given moment of that past could not contemplate the greatness that awaited me in my future.
I try to control things because I am so fearful of letting myself get swept away by anything. I think if I allow myself to get swept away in the peace of God, in love, or in life in general--if I don't control every detail, and analyze them all to death, that I will be severely disappointed or worse--severely hurt. What I should know by now is, no matter how much I try to control things, does NOT have any affect on its outcome. So I've come back to the idea of "Let Go and Let God." That does not mean, I will not prepare for things--but I have to realize that is all I can do.
As those of you who know me might realize, I am referring to the LSAT and law school admissions.
I spent every waking moment thinking about it--no, OBSESSING about it. It controls my life, but there comes a point where obsessing about it does not do anything but deter me from the ability to PREPARE for it, and leave the rest in God's hands.
Another thing I've realized in all of this is that, I am done trying to prove things to other people or to myself, and quit TRYING so hard to be, and just be. I spend my whole life worrying about what others will think of where I decide to live, or where I'll end up for law school--and I just need to live for me. I am ok just as I am. This all stems from realizing I love my life here even in its simplicity. Don't get me wrong, my happiness comes from globe trotting and the feel of running my hand along ancient buildings, and digging my toes in to the sand of the ocean--but I am content with staying in Illinois to live. I don't have to challenge myself with relocation, if I challenge myself with my profession. I love my mom, and quite frankly, I do not want to be 17 hours away from her. I can admit now, that I want to move to Boston to get lost and run away from myself again--but I'm ok with who I am here in Illinois and who I want to be. I can't bear the thought of missing Katie and Bill's first baby's birth or missing Juliana and Justin's wedding. My life is here. Chicago is the home I want--with everywhere else being an awesome vacation from that.
This means I will not be applying to schools in Boston because Chicago has my heart, even if I dreamt of a fairy tale once where Boston did. I believe with all my soul that if things are meant to be they will find a way and that one day you wake up with everything you've always wanted. I will not let the fear of the certainty I once held that I would never find a person who embodies everything I want uproot me from everything I already love.
I do miss my CIDEF friends though. I love them very much.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I'm just afraid I've been writing about love, but I'll never find out what it means
nd if I was honest about what the problem is, I'd have to admit it was me. I'm just trying to live up to all that you want me to be. I'm a liar. I [write] pretty things, but I never quite say what I mean, so I'm trying to come clean. - Chase CoyThings have been extremely difficult lately. I don't cry; I just ache for the life I was living 365 days ago. I was frolicking about Rome without a care in the world. I was challenging myself and getting to know me in the most intimate sense of the world. I blossomed into this effervescent version of myself. I found my passions.
Right now Juliana is in Spain doing the Camino, which is a religious pilgrimage from the south of France to North Western Spain to some cathedral. She is finding herself and finding God, and I am so jealous. I am so proud of her for having the strength to hike the 800km. She is over 2/3 of the way done, and I just think to myself "Am I living my life to its fullest?"
I know its not possible to live each day as if I were back in France, but I miss it so much and I feel like I am missing a part of myself. I miss my friends and french family. I still feel like some of these people are my closest friends on the planet, yet I never get to see them. There is always a ",but..." that prevents me from reconnecting with the people who helped bring out that blessed happiness. I was going to make my way to Kansas this past weekend, but financial limitations have made that not feasible. Katie's wedding is 25 days away, and that is taking most of my money and time at the moment--which, by the way, I am NOT complaining about the expenditures of time nor money on this HONOR to be a part of my very best friend's wedding. Rather it is a battle against the limited number of hours in the day, and the lack of infinite funds in my account.
Speaking of weddings, Katie's wedding has also been putting me in a very strange place, that I'd thought was so far behind me. I am stuck in this murky dream world of what could have been. Bret and I would almost for 4 months now. 4 months married. Wow. I can't believe that. He has a baby girl now. He has met a girl, who he TRULY believes is the one (who is not by the way his baby's mama). I am happy for him, but it breaks my heart completely all over again because I thought this world was ours to share and watching Katie be with exactly who she always thought she'd end up with hits a strange nerve because I feel completely lost. Ana and Josiah are expecting their first child. They met right around when Bret and I got together. Juliana has the met her one love, Justin. She tells me they will probably get married this spring. I was at Katie's wedding shower a couple weeks ago, and Bill's grandma was telling me how she was 19 and she just knew that Bill's grandpa was the man she'd spend the rest of her life with. Ever since then, I've been replaying that statement in my head, because, quite frankly I just don't have anyone like that. I did for 8 years, but then it just was swept away. I feel like everyone is having their dreams come true, and I don't even know what I want my dream to be. I promised WRW that I would NEVER settle, and damn him because now I can't even when I want to so badly just to have the peace and security of knowing I haven't lost my "one," and that I'm not completely and entirely broken and worthless.
That's is sort of the reason I'm "in love" with the song for which this blog is titled today. I honestly don't know if I've ever loved someone because Love cannot possibly lead you this way. Love is of God, and Love is like grace. That particular divine feeling has never overcome me because something like that doesn't go away and lead to babies with other girls, or being with someone else. At least, I am hoping there is more to love than what I've experienced because right now I'm alone.
So in the absence of a romantic love, or willingness to settle for a substitute thereof, I return to my unwavering love of all things challenging--I am embarking upon the monumental task of applying and attending law school. I am taking the LSAT on December 5th, 2009. I am planning on applying to University of Illinois in Champaign, DePaul, Loyola-Chicago, Chicago Kent, John Marshall, Notre Dame, Valparaiso, Boston U, Boston College and Cooley. We'll see. I've heard good things pertaining to U of I, but it is the 16th best law school in the country (and for some of you who are in the BEST school in the country who read this blog, 16 might seem like no big deal, but to me, it is a HUGE deal). I'm really trying not to get bogged down in what everyone else will think of where I go to law school. I will be happy to just GO to law school. I have faith in myself, and in my abilities I know I can do well. Part of me feels though, like law school is a sandbox to stick my head in to prevent me from having to feel close to anyone. I get to use it as an excuse to focus only on school--so that I don't have to worry about getting close to anyone. As such, I don't have to worry about getting hurt again. I don't know. I have seen people throwing away their law careers on marriage and babies before they even get out of law school, and I am determined to have that not be me.
By the way, I'm taking Devin to Katie's wedding. We'll see how that goes. (I can hear the scathing criticism from all my friends already, but he already lives there and we'll have fun?)
And a huge thing, I'm SERIOUSLY 100% looking into a trip around the world this summer. It is seven countries.
Miami to Lima, Peru (Matchu Pitchu) which long time blog readers will know, I've been wanting to see for a long time now.
Peru to Rio de Janero, Brazil (Giant Jesus)
Rio to Buenos Aires (I honestly don't know what is in Buenos except beaches, but its part of the trip and I'd probably only stay there like a day)
Argentina to Sydney, Australia ('Ello Mates, plus a side trip to the Great Barrier Reef)
AUS to Siep Ream, Cambodia (this wickedly awesome temple)
Cambodia to Johannesburg, South Africa (Nelson Mandella, Museam, Victoria Falls, African Safari)
Back to the US
I know that sounds like an impossible dream but STA has those flights all available for $3550. I would backpack all summer right before I start law school. That is literally my entire lives dream list of MUST SEES before I die, which the exception of the China, Japan, Hawaii and London. If a semester in France could bring out such strength and inner happiness--I can't imagine what this trip would do to my soul. I would get to see pretty much every major historical religious site to so many cultures. Juliana is on the Camino of Saint James, but I want to make my own camino. I already know myself, now I want to know my world. I want to go out into this world with a backpack's worth of clothing. My macbook, A camera. I will blog throughout my trip, if I get the chance to go.
On a final note, even though I've been trying to work through an array of emotions lately, I don't want anyone to think I'm unhappy with my life. Day to day things are fine, but I crave days that remind me what it feels like to truly be alive. Maybe the marathon that I'm going to SUCK at in 12 days will help. Ha!
The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick. I'd never see you unhappy--I thought you'd want the same for me. Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be. So long my luckless romance. My back is turned on you. Should've known you'd bring me heartache. Almost Lovers Always Do. -Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy (Song reminds me of the last blog entry, it is absolutely BEAUTIFUL)
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